


Love, In Any Form

by ALMartin1011



Series: Completely random and unrelated MCU drabbles & shorts [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Fingering, Nonbinary Bucky Barnes, Other, Pansexual Reader - Freeform, Pegging, Smut, because communication is my jam, nonbinary bucky, open and honest conversations about gender identity and sexuality, pansexual character written by a pansexual author, slight angst and lots of feels, sweet happy fluffy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:35:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23144806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALMartin1011/pseuds/ALMartin1011
Summary: Telling Bucky you love him doesn’t go as expected and reveals a part of him you never even suspected was there.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Series: Completely random and unrelated MCU drabbles & shorts [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1660210
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	Love, In Any Form

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovelies. This is a huge change of pace for me but I wanted to start working on things that I enjoy whether or not it’s well received. Don’t worry, another chapter of More Time will still be coming out later today. This is just me needing to throw some more nonbinary!Bucky love out into the world. XOXO - Ash
> 
> Please note... I am not nonbinary, but I am pansexual and have dated enby people in the past. I hope this fic feels authentic in the way I portray Bucky’s struggles.

It had been six months since you started dating Bucky Barnes and your life had been pretty unpredictable since he entered it. As the girlfriend of an active duty Avenger it wasn’t uncommon that your plans would be made, or unmade, at the drop of a hat. You understood what you had signed on for though and tried to be as patient as possible with him. When he got called away for a mission, you wished him a safe trip and gave him your bravest smile. When he had a low day and just couldn’t face going out, you sent him funny memes and reminded him that you were there if he wanted to talk about it. When he showed up at your door, dirty and bruised after a long mission, you welcomed him with open arms no matter what you had going on at the moment. It wasn’t always easy being with him, but the time you had together made it all worthwhile. 

Bucky loved your little loft apartment across town. He jokingly called it his escape from the tower. It wasn’t anything fancy, just a tiny airy space across the bridge from Manhattan. It was as much as you could manage on a writer’s salary without strapping yourself for cash every month. Bucky visited every opportunity he had, enjoying his time away from the team where he could relax and get some down time. You had seen his apartment at the tower and met some of the Avengers about a month into your relationship but you rarely went to visit him there. You worried slightly that you weren’t welcome at the tower, but Bucky was quick to assure you that he just really loved your apartment. 

It was easy to fall in love with Bucky, even if the actual act of being in love with him wasn’t always so simple. He was charming, sweet, kind, shockingly uncertain of himself at times, and cared about everything deeply. After six months you couldn’t doubt the stirrings of love anymore, even though it was faster than you had ever fallen in love before. It felt fast but right. You suspect it’s reciprocated too. He had fumbled the weekend before when he stayed overnight for a rare full weekend at home with you. It had been early morning and he had woken you up by trailing sweet kisses across the curve of your bare shoulder. He’d had a certain look in his eyes and you’d thought he was going to say it. After a few beats of halted silence though he had ducked his head, not meeting your eyes and mumbled something about the way you looked in the sunlight. It felt like a near miss and you’re determined now to tell him how you feel after mulling it over for the better part of a week.

It’s late when Bucky stumbles into your apartment on a quiet Thursday night. He’s still wearing his battle gear and he shucks a, frankly alarming, number of weapons off onto the table by your front door. You let him pull you close when he reaches for you, crashing his lips down on yours frantically. 

“It’s okay.” you tell him quietly between kisses. “It’s okay.” 

Bucky groans against the column of your neck. “Sorry. I’m so sorry, doll.” 

“It’s okay” you continue your mantra again, wanting to give him whatever comfort he needs in the moment. 

“I just needed to see you. After. After that.” his muscles tense up momentarily and you wish you could ease whatever pain he’s reliving. 

“Always, sweetheart. You know you can come here. My home is your home.” 

Bucky chokes back a sob at your words. “You’re too good for me.” 

“Why don’t we go get you cleaned up, hmm? We can get a shower and then I’ll make us some tea.” 

You can feel Bucky nod against your shoulder and you lead him down the hall to your tiny bathroom. There’s not really enough room for you plus a super soldier in your shower but you make it work. Bucky seems a little more disconnected and fragile than he usually is after missions. It must have been a particularly bad one to have him so shaken. You take your time washing the sweat and grime from his long hair, letting your nails rake across his scalp for a massage while you work. He’s so pliant in your hands, not flirty and suggestive as he usually is when you shower together. You take it in stride, letting him work through whatever is going on in his head. 

“Come on, sweetheart. Let’s go get some tea.” you tell him once he’s dried off and wearing a set of clothes he’d left at your place. 

Bucky nods and follows you out to the kitchen. He seems to be thinking about something troubling again and you bide your time, waiting until he’s settled enough to talk.

Perched on a tall chair along your breakfast bar, he finally finds his words. “They were trying to find the formula to the serum again.” his voice is low and you barely catch the words.

You hand him his mug of tea, careful with selecting your words. “Did you stop them?”

“We did. They had my file though. We thought the last copies were gone but we were wrong. They were using me as a blueprint for the next generation of super soldiers. They didn’t get very far but if we hadn’t found them…” he’s quiet for a moment, holding your mug so tightly in his hands you’re shocked it doesn’t shatter, “They were going to try it on children.” 

You stifle your sharp breath, not wanting him to feel worse by your reaction. “That’s fucking horrible.” you say finally, knowing he would be more upset if you tried to sugar coat things.

“It always is.” he shakes himself after a moment. “I’m sorry, doll. I shouldn’t burden you with this shit. I’ll head back to the tower in a little.”

“Sweetheart, no.” you go around the counter to hold him in your arms, standing behind his chair. “You can always come here when you need to. You’re not burdening me, you’re sharing with me.”

“I don’t know how you cope with all this. You could have a normal life if I wasn’t in it.”

“Hey, no, stop that. This is the life that I want. I went into this with eyes wide open. And it’s been worth it. _You’re worth it_. I love you, Bucky.” 

Bucky shudders in your arms, “You can’t know that.” You frown. Not exactly the reaction you were hoping for.

“You can’t.” he continues, sounding so defeated. “You don’t know everything. If you knew what I… I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry.” Bucky stands up from his seat and pushes his untouched cup of tea away. 

“Bucky wait.” you plead as he gathers up his gear with quick, military efficiency. “Please. Let’s talk about this. I know it’s soon and I’m sorry if I should have waited to say it but damn it just wait a minute and let’s talk this out.” You’re nearing tears as he gives you one last forlorn look before slipping out your front door like a ghost. 

Well. That definitely didn’t go as you had planned.

You text Bucky the next morning, asking that he at least let you know he’s okay. And then again a short time later telling him you’re there whenever he’s ready to talk.

Three days pass with agonizing slowness. You can feel a break up looming in your future. It’s hard to believe that you’d misread the signs so badly but apparently you had. You can’t even work on your latest article you’re so off your game. You spend one day moping around in your pj’s, ordering a ridiculous amount of take out and watching everything in your Netflix queue. The next day you throw yourself into cleaning your apartment, singing loudly to your favorite playlist while you work, desperate for anything to keep your mind busy. The third day finds you back on the sofa, an aluminum tin of empanadas perched on your lap while you start on your Hulu queue. You only get through half of the latest season of Rick and Morty before you pull yourself out of your pile of blankets. Enough is enough.

After a quick shower, you call for an Uber and throw on your favorite outfit. You want to look nice but not like you’re trying too hard. If Bucky is dumping you he’s going to have to be man enough to do it to your face. No more of this communication blackout since you’d told him how you feel. You want to talk things out if he’s willing, salvage the relationship even if he’s not ready to say those words back to you. You rehearse what you want to say to him in your mind a hundred times on the ride across the bridge to Manhattan. By the time you’re dropped off at Avengers Tower you know exactly what you’re going to say.

“Hi FRIDAY.” you call out as you walk through the main doors.

“Hi Y/N. If you’ll head to the second elevator on your right I’ll take you up to Sergeant Barnes’ apartment.” FRIDAY says, seemingly all around you.

You follow her direction and the elevator ascends with a quiet whoosh. 

“Follow the blue lights along the baseboard if you need direction.” FRIDAY offers as the elevator doors open.

You know your way but thank her all the same. It’s been a while since you were there last but you remember which apartment door is his. You get to the last door on your left and rap two sharp knocks on it. 

“I told you I’m fine, Sam.” Bucky’s gruff voice bellows from inside. 

You knock again, not want to speak and have him refuse to open the door when he realizes it’s you.

You hear a string of cursing in Russian but the door finally swings open revealing a very disheveled super soldier. He has dark circles under his eyes and his hair is lank around his shoulders. You doubt he’s showered since he was at your place. “Hey.” you say quietly. Waiting for him to say something, anything. 

“You should have called.” he responds simply. 

“You ignored my texts. I figured you’d ignore a call too.” 

“I would have.” he admits, letting out an exhausted sounding sigh. “Might as well come in since you’re here.” Bucky moves aside, waving a hand to the inside of his apartment. 

You were only in his actual apartment one time, briefly, but things look about the same as you remember. “I just want to talk.” you explain as you toe your shoes off onto the mat next to his front door. “If you’re going to break up with me, I at least deserve a full explanation.” 

“I don’t want that.” he says with a gasp, “I don’t… but I can’t… I’m trying, Y/N.” 

“Alright, it’s okay.” you yearn to reach for him but aren’t sure it would be well received at the moment. “We really need to talk then.” 

You go to follow him into the living room when a bag leaning against the hallway baseboard catches your eye. It’s a generic clear trash bag, its contents on full display. You can make out pink satin, pale blue lace, a few tubes of lipstick, mascara, and nail polish. You’re frozen in place staring at the bag. “Oh.” you murmur, still unable to move. “There’s someone else.” Your heart is shattering your chest. How could you have been so foolish? You really thought he was the real deal. You should have known a quiet, introverted writer from Brooklyn wouldn’t be enough for him. Not when he’s surrounded by beautiful Manhattan people and superheroes every day. Damn it hurts though. 

“No!” Bucky yelps, his eyes wide with fear. “I would never-”

“Then what the fuck is that, Bucky?” you demand, your voice rising as you point at the bag. 

Bucky looks like he’s going to cry or throw up. His chest is heaving and he’s wrapped his arms around his waist, clinging to himself. “That’s. It’s. It’s mine.” he finally chokes out. His eyes are tightly shut and it’s like he’s waiting for a physical blow.

Like you often do with Bucky, you take a breath before speaking, wanting to tread lightly. Your initial reaction was to laugh and call bullshit, but the way he’s acting doesn’t add up to an affair. “The stuff in the bag is yours? As in it belongs to you?” you clarify.

Bucky nods, eyes open now but fixed on the cream colored carpeting at his feet. 

“Okay. But why is it all in a trash bag then?”

“I was going to get rid of it.” his voice shakes, desperate. “I didn’t want to _need_ it anymore. I want to be with you. To be the man you deserve. I couldn’t do it though. I got it bagged up but I just can’t take it out.” 

“Can I go look at what’s in there?” your tone is even, like you’re speaking to a cornered animal. 

Bucky holds on to himself tighter. “You’ll leave.”

“No, sweetheart, I won’t. I don’t care if you have the president’s head in that bag, I’m not going anywhere. Just, let me see so I can understand. And then we can talk a little if you’re willing.” 

“Fine.” Bucky chokes out.

You don’t wait for him to change his mind but you move slowly so as not to startle him. You unknot the top and kneel down on the soft carpeting to spread the bag’s contents out around you. It was basically what you expected. The makeup is a cheap brand you can get at the corner store, a few tubes of lipstick in varying shades, a tube of mascara, an eye liner pencil, and a shimmery eye shadow pallet. The nail polish is all in pale shades of pink and one a soft lilac. The pink satin belongs to a nightgown and the blue lace a pair of panties. There’s another night gown in ivory satin and a pair of soft pink cotton panties that you pull out of the bottom of the bag. Sitting with the contents of the bag around you, you’re dumbfounded. This all belongs to Bucky. No wonder he’d said you didn’t know everything. You were clearly missing something pretty big here. 

“I like this shade.” you say finally, holding up a tube of dark burgundy lipstick.

“I can explain.” he replies feebly. 

“Yeah,” you sigh as you get up off the floor, “You probably should. Let’s go sit and you can start at the beginning.” 

You take Bucky’s hand, much to his surprise, and lead him over to the sofa where you sit down next to him, not willing to let his hand go. 

“I don’t know where to start.” he says after a few quiet minutes.

“Let’s start with why you have those things.” you suggest kindly, “You said they’re yours so I’m going to assume you use those things for yourself. Yes?”

Bucky nods but doesn’t offer any explanation. 

You start to wonder if he has the words to explain the situation. He grew up in an era where a man in women’s clothing would be a death sentence. He might not know the modern terms for things that are now understood to be natural. “Sweetheart, you gotta help me out here. Do you feel more like a woman than a man? Is that why you have these things? I won’t be upset, but you have to be honest with me. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Bucky looks at you warily, like he expects you to bolt. Finally, after a harsh breath he speaks. “I don’t know. Most of the time I feel okay in my body but sometimes. Sometimes not so much. I don’t really feel like either gender then. But I do feel better with that… stuff, when I feel in between.” 

You can’t hold yourself back. You pull him in, wrapping your arms around his waist to hold him close as tightly as you can. “Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you so much for telling me. I still love you. No matter what gender you are. Do you know there’s a word for that now? When you’re not really one gender or another?”

Bucky sags a little in your arms, deflated by your acceptance. “Yeah. Non-binary. Some people call it enby. I like that one best. I learned about it online in Wakanda after I thawed out. It’s not new for me but it’s not something I really explored much before the war. I couldn’t back then. But now, the world is so different.” 

“Does the team know?” you promise yourself that you won’t be hurt if they do, if he’s only hid this part of himself from you.

Bucky pales, “No. No one knows except you now. I try not to do it often, and I just stay home when I do. I thought maybe if I just did it once, femme myself up a bit, it would feel ridiculous and I’d never need to do it again. But it didn’t. And I needed it more once I knew how I felt.”

“And how does it feel?”

“Right. Freeing. Honest.” he pulls back a little, still holding on to you but able to look you in the eyes now. “I can’t ask you to accept this. I know it’s not what you signed on for, and you signed on for a hell of a lot with me in the first place.” 

“I knew what I was getting myself into. And the good times are outweighing the hard times by a large margin. You know that this is okay, right? This is nothing to be ashamed of.” 

“I know that. I mean, I understand it. It’s harder to believe it though. I feel like I’ve been fighting this part of me for so long and I’m just so _tired_.”

“You don’t have to fight it. You can express yourself however you want to around me. It’s not going to change how I feel about you.” 

“How are you so okay with this?” 

“Remember when we caught each other staring at that bartender on our second date?” 

Bucky huffs a laugh at the memory, “Yeah. She was a looker.” 

“And remember what I said?”

“You’re ‘not exactly straight’.” 

“Yeah. I’m pansexual, sweetheart. I don’t give a shit about gender or gender norms. I like men and women and everything in between. And you being part of that in between sometimes is not a problem for me.” 

“I wish I’d known that from the start.” 

“Yeah, there’s a lot of that going around today.” you joke wryly. “We’re gonna be okay, right?”

Bucky nods, “Yeah, I think we are. I love you too, ya know. I just didn’t think you would still love me if you knew about me.” 

“I love you so much. No matter how you choose to present yourself. We’re gonna keep talking about this. I know it’s new for you trying to put it into words but I need to understand boundaries so I can be a better partner for you.”

“Can we just watch movies and order Chinese food for right now?” 

“Absolutely. You shared so much today already. Everything else can wait ‘til later. Now, why don’t you go put your things away and I’ll get us logged into my Netflix account. Unless you want to go put on something out of that pile now?”

“Nah, I’m pretty good in my own skin today. But thank you.” 

“Of course. Now scoot! Or I’ll pick a show without you.” 

Bucky hurries to stash his cosmetics in his bathroom drawers and his clothes in the bottom of his dresser. No longer stashed in the back now but just sitting next to his other pajamas. For the first time Bucky thinks that he might really be able to make peace with this part of himself. 

You spend the rest of the day at Bucky’s and even stay over that night. Now that Bucky isn’t afraid of you finding his makeup and things, he’s happy to have you in his home. It’s your first time staying over at his place and he has FRIDAY send up a few things so you can be comfortable. A tooth brush, contact lens solution and a case. A fresh set of athleisure type clothes that are surprisingly the exact right sizes. You enjoy sharing his large bed, curled up in the middle with him under a tonnage of heavy blankets. In the middle of the night you remind him between tender kisses how much you still love him. How he never has to hide anything from you. And Bucky promises quietly that the next time he’s having an ‘enby day’, as he calls it, he’ll tell you so you can come over and be with him for it. You’re not a particularly spiritual person but that night you send up a quiet thanks to whatever forces are out there for bringing you and Bucky closer when you thought you were on the verge of being torn apart. 

It’s three weeks almost to the day when you get the text. You’re just getting back from your morning at the coffee shop you frequent when your phone pings. It’s a picture of Bucky’s hand, a pale coral pink polish shining on his well shaped nails. _Wanna come over?_ Is the simple text beneath the photo. You type back a quick _of course_ followed by a lipstick kiss emoji. You had already gotten a lot of work done at the coffee shop and can easily take the rest of the day for yourself. You decide to take your laptop with you, sometimes Bucky likes to hang out while you both quietly work on your own separate things. Together but independently occupied. You’re not sure what he does on a day like this but you don’t want to interrupt his rhythm too much. You’re just thankful he’s comfortable enough to invite you over. 

“Hi love.” you greet him when he opens the door to his apartment.

“Hi doll.” Bucky leans in for a quick, almost shy kiss, before moving aside so you can enter. 

You take a good look at him once you’re inside. His hair is curled and pulled into a half up, half down style. There’s mascara on his lashes and an almost nude lipstick on his cupid’s bow lips. The slight scruff of his beard is still there, a contrast to the feminine softness. The combination looks perfect on him. He’s wearing a pair of his normal sweats but the sweater he has on is a super soft cashmere type fabric and it has a more feminine cut to it. 

“You look really nice.” you tell him with an encouraging smile.

A slight blush stains his cheeks. “Thanks. I wasn’t sure…”

“You don’t have to worry about this with me, remember?” 

“I know. I know. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Now, first things first. Pronouns?”

“They/ them, please. My name is still okay though.” 

“Okay, perfect. Thank you for telling me. What did you want to do today?”

Bucky shrugs, “I didn’t make any plans other than inviting you over. I didn’t finish my makeup yet. I can never get the eyeliner right and it just annoys me. Those YouTube videos make it look so easy but it never works out.” 

“I can show you how I do mine and then help you with yours. If you want?” 

“You would do that?”

“Of course, sweetheart.” 

Bucky leads you down the hall to the bathroom where their assortment of makeup is scattered all over the counter. You pick up the eyeliner pencil and show them how you make your line, going slowly from the inside corner outwards. Bucky watches you, fascinated by how you keep your hand supported while you make feather light strokes. You show them again on your other eye before letting them try it. It takes a moment to get their hand in the right position, and you end up wrapping your hand lightly overtop theirs so you can help control their motions. Bucky is thrilled with the end result, “This is so much better than I can usually draw it.” they tell you. 

“I’m glad I could help. But sweetheart, why do you have this kind of make up? There’s a lot nicer kinds out there and better quality stuff makes it easier to apply.” 

“My options were limited. I didn’t want the Winter Soldier buying lipstick making the paper so I pocketed this stuff a few years ago when we were on a mission. The shop was already looted and Stark was going to pay for the repairs and losses for the owner. I snagged what I could fit in my jacket while doing my rounds.” 

Your heart breaks for them and how desperate and scared they must have been in that moment. “I’m sorry you had to resort to that to get what you needed. We can order stuff online to be sent to my place if you want. Makeup goes bad after a while and if it’s been a few years you should really replace what you have.” 

“I didn’t know that. Will you help me shop for new stuff? I’ll pay you back for it.” 

“I’d love to. I need to get myself more brow gel anyway.”

You help Bucky finish with their eye shadow, a pale natural shade, and they choose a slightly bolder lip color to reapply this time. They look beautiful and you tell them as much making them blush and duck their head. You lead them to the living room so you can fire up your laptop and bring up the website for Sephora. You want to spoil your love a little and there you can throw it on your store card and pay the bill off once you get paid for your next article. You lead Bucky through a series of beauty quizzes, determining their best shades and what products they should focus on. You end up with all sorts of things, a Smashbox eyeshadow pallet, a Stila eyeliner, a few lipsticks from Fenty and Dior. Bucky gets excited over the Too Faced mascara you show them and you end up getting one for yourself too. You suggest bolder nail polish but Bucky explains anything darker will stain and it’s easier to just stick to neutrals and sheer colors. You throw in a few facial treatment packs at the last minute for fun, and your much needed brow gel too. The order is set to arrive tomorrow thanks to flash shipping and Bucky is looking forward to trying things out if they're still in their current headspace. 

You do end up getting a little more work done that afternoon while Bucky works on their summary report for the last mission they were part of. They work quietly on their end of the sofa while you wrap up your latest piece on the accessibility and quality of healthcare to non cis gender Americans. You had snatched up that topic in a heartbeat when it came across your email two weeks ago. You have enough friends in the community who have struggled with that and you want their voices to be heard in a compassionate way along with lots of statistics from a recent NYU study to support the claim of it being a growing problem in the US. You’re happy with the piece and can’t wait to have it ready for submission. 

Bucky wraps up their report and stretches up like a cat in their seat. You catch a flash of pink cotton along the waistband of their sweatpants and you shoot them an interested half smile. 

Bucky curls a finger, beckoning you closer, and you slide across the sofa until you’re leaning against them and angling for a kiss. Bucky’s kisses are just as reverent and soft as always, making you practically melt against their broad chest. You run a hand along their chest, stilling it momentarily to check in. “Is this okay?” you ask before continuing.

“Yeah, it’s fine. Just, um, please don’t touch my, uh, my dick. Not while I’m like this, please.” he asks hesitantly.

You frown in faux confusion, “Dick? What dick? My lover is nonbinary and they’re perfect just. The way. They are.” you punctuate your words with firm kisses that have Bucky whimpering against your lips. 

“Thank you.” they murmur softly in between kisses. 

You let your hands roam like you usually would but keep it strictly above the waist out of respect for their choice. Bucky’s hands likewise roam and you find yourself getting more worked up than you had intended to get. “Hold on.” you beg, “Hold on, sweetheart. We have to pause a second. I want to take you to bed but I need you to tell me how. I want this to be good for you and I don’t want to cross a line that I don’t know about.” 

Bucky looks unsure but takes the risk, “I have toys that you could use on me. Or we can just take care of you?”

“Oh no, no, no, my love. We’re absolutely taking care of you too. Let’s go see what you have, okay?”

“Okay.” Bucky confirms before leading you to their bedroom.

You knew Bucky was a fan of anal play but hadn’t realized that extended to having their own toy collection. You’re excited and curious to see what they have. Prostate orgasms aren’t always an easy thing, but with the right partner and the right equipment, they could be amazing. You were looking forward to exploring that with them, if they were willing. Bucky opens the nightstand drawer and pulls out a few different vibrators in varying sizes and shapes. They have two different types of lube to choose from too. “Any preference?” you ask before picking. Bucky shakes their head so you pick up the purple silicone vibrator with a gently rippled shaft that you know will make for a more intense experience. Placing the vibrator on the nightstand next to the bottle of water based lube, you help Bucky stash the rest of their loot back in the drawer. 

“Come here, sweetheart.” you say as you scoot over to the middle of the bed. Bucky follows, hovering over you for a moment before leaning down for a kiss. You fist your hands in their soft curls, keeping them close so you can trail kisses and nips down the column of their throat. Gently, you help them tug off their soft sweater and then you move them so they’re the one laying down. You continue trailing kisses across the curve of their collar bones and down further still so you can suck gently on their small, pebbled nipples. Bucky lets out a harsh gasp at the sensation, their body bowing up slightly in response. 

“You let me know if you need me to do something different, okay?” you remind them. “I want this to be perfect for you but it’s our first time this way so you need to tell me if something is off.” 

“I… I don’t know yet. I’ve never been with another person while I’m this way.” Bucky admits. 

“Then we’ll figure it out together, love.” 

“I think I’ll be more comfortable on my stomach if that’s okay.” 

“Yeah, of course.” you lean back to give them enough space to roll, quickly shedding your own clothes while you have a moment. They tug off their sweatpants when they move, leaving just their pink cotton panties on. “So beautiful, my love.” You press a kiss right above the soft cotton, right where their ass starts to curve into that perfect bubble you so adore. You let your hands knead their pert ass for a moment while you line kisses down the length of their back. Leaning in to nibble on their earlobe you brush your newly exposed breasts across their back, letting them feel the softness and hard peaks brush along their skin. 

Bucky is fighting to hold still while you tease them. It’s too much and not enough all at once. “Please.” they plead softly, “Please, doll. I want you to fuck me.” 

“Oh sweetheart.” you croon in their ear. “Look at you asking so nicely. How could I ever deny my love what they want? Let’s get your panties off, sweetheart.” 

Bucky lifts their hips up so you can pull the delicate material down and off with a quick tug. You grab the lube, the top making a loud _snick_ in the otherwise quiet room as you open it up. Pressing another kiss, right on their left ass cheek this time, you run your slick fingers up and down the crease of their ass. Bucky shudders at the cold lube but then relaxes enough that you can part their cheeks to press your pointer finger against the tightly furled muscle of their opening. You massage the spot gently before dipping just the tip of your finger inside. Bucky lets out a breathless _ahh_ as you breach the tight ring of muscle, their hips rocking slightly before they can stop themselves. 

“There you go, sweetheart.” you whisper as you slip your finger deeper, slow and steady so they can brace themselves for the intrusion. You pause, letting them adjust before making a few gentle thrusts. 

“I need another.” Bucky begs.

“Okay, okay sweetheart. I’ll give you whatever you need.” You pull your finger out so you can press your second lubed up finger next to it and dive back in. After another pause for them to adjust, you hook your fingers against the soft bundle of nerves inside Bucky’s body. You make short, rocking, thrusts; ensuring your fingers stroke along their prostate with each motion. Bucky is wiggling slightly, their breathing becoming more ragged as you go. 

“I’m ready. Get the toy.” Bucky tells you, the muscles of their shoulders tense and shaking. 

You reach over with your free hand, leaning on Bucky for support for a moment while you stretch, finally grasping the toy and bringing it over where you can glide the thick lube up and down the rippled shaft. Bucky goes still when the head of the vibrator presses against their hole and you take the moment to check in just to be sure. “Doing okay?” you ask. 

Bucky’s head shakes against the bed in a nod, “Yeah, I’m good. Keep going.” 

You caress their ass cheeks affectionately and then push the head of the vibrator forward, stretching the ring of muscle a little more than you fingers had. Bucky moans loudly as you push it in, loving the stretch of it. You wait a moment before sliding the toy in and out a few times, testing their response. Bucky seems okay so you up the ante and flick the switch to turn on the vibrations. 

Bucky practically levitates off the bed when the vibrations start up. Their body is all tight, bunched, muscles and a keening sound spills from their lips. The reaction is blatantly from pleasure, so you’re encouraged to keep going and you start rocking the vibrator in gentle thrusts. Bucky is sobbing and begging mindlessly after a few minutes and you’re murmuring praise and compliments in turn as they near their climax. They’re so perfect, your beautiful darling. Their perfect blend of genders so uniquely them, and so so gorgeous. Bucky’s making broken noises at your words and you hope you’re not pushing them too far. You angle the toy down, ensuring the full force of the vibrations is hitting exactly where they need it to and Bucky comes with a garbled shout. You let them ride out the climax for a few seconds before slowing your thrusts and shutting off the vibrations. Gently you withdraw it from them, tossing it back towards the nightstand without looking to ensure it hit it’s intended location. Your attention is focused on Bucky whose breathing is still a little ragged. 

You curl your body up next to theirs, turning them so you can see their face and hold them. Their makeup is smeared a little and there’s tears welling in their eyes. “What’s the matter, love?” you ask, slightly worried you made a misstep somewhere.

“Nothing.” they sniff “It was perfect. I never thought it could be that good with someone. You were just… _everything_.” 

You hold your lover tighter, “I’m glad it was good for you. Let’s just stay here a minute and rest a little.” You pull the heavy duvet over the two of you and then go back to holding them tightly. Bucky is practically boneless in your arms, completely limp, and their tears of emotion finally slow to a stop. As turned on as you had been, you want nothing more than to enjoy the comforting warmth of Bucky curled up against you. They drift off to sleep after a few minutes and you figure you can both use a little nap after that. You brush a few strands of hair out of Bucky’s face and then burrow your head against their chest to drift off to sleep yourself.

You wake to Bucky staring at you a few hours later, the room bathed in the amber sunset glow. “Hello love.” you say, shooting them a sleepy smile. 

“Hello love.” they echo before leaning in for a soft kiss. Their lips slide over yours, easy as anything, no urgency in their movements. You lose yourself in the kiss for what feels like forever, until you feel Bucky’s right hand trailing down your body and running gently along the curve of your hip.

“Oh.” your murmur against their lips, “Hey.” 

“May I?” Bucky asks quietly. 

“Of course, sweetheart.” 

Bucky slips their fingers between your folds, seeking the hidden bud that they know so well by now. You teased them once that they have clit sonar, they never fumbled in trying to find it, always seeming to know right where to move their fingers or tongue. Bucky dips a finger lower, gathering the dampness already gathering between your legs and dragging it up to ease the glide of their fingers as they make gentle circles around your clit. They trail kisses along your throat, their metal hand kneading softly on your breasts, keeping your body lit up in pleasure at various points so your mind can barely keep up. Bucky murmurs a string of _thank you’s_ and _I love you’s_ against your skin as they speed up their movements between your legs. 

You try not to writhe, you really do. It just causes Bucky to crowd you a little more, pressing themself along your side and stilling you. Your body trembles of its own accord and you can feel the low coiling tension building. Bucky nips at your collarbone and you almost lose it, hips bucking against their hand. “Please, baby.” they beg softly, “Come for me.” They tug at one nipple, then the other while, crushing their mouth down on yours. It’s all consuming and exactly what you need to fall effortlessly over the edge of your orgasm. Bucky slows his motions after a moment, gentling you down carefully so you can ride the high as long as possible and come back down easily. You’re breathing hard, little trembles still running through you, but calming when Bucky removes their hand, wiping it discreetly on the sheet bunched up behind them. 

“Mmm.” you moan, rolling so that you’re sprawled out on their chest for snuggles. “That was mmph.” 

Bucky chuckles, the rumbling in their chest vibrating against your ear. “Had to take care of my best girl.” 

“I really do love you, Bucky. You know that right?” 

“I know, I’m starting to understand. I love you too. I just never thought I could have… _this_.” 

“The world has changed a lot since the 40s. You can have anything you want now. And I’ll be right here by your side for all of it.” 

Bucky goes quiet a moment, staring off into space thinking as they chew on their bottom lip. “I’m not ready to tell the team.” they say finally, “I think, maybe, eventually, I’ll want to tell them. But not yet.” 

You stroke your thumb over the gentle ridges of muscle on their stomach, “You do it whenever you’re ready. If you want to just stay home on your enby days forever that’s okay. I’ll be here for them with you and we can make popcorn and watch movies. If you want to do your makeup and wear pretty things and walk down midtown like you own this island, I’ll be holding your hand and walking right beside you. Your life can be whatever you want it to be, love.” 

“God, you’re amazing. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner.” Bucky leans down to kiss you firmly, wonder shining in their eyes. 

“Same here.” you assure them. 

The day is lost to gentle words in the rapidly dimming light. You leave Bucky’s bed only to get the Thai delivery when it arrives and then eat your dinner right out of the cartons while curled up under the covers. It’s perfect, quiet, and just the peacefulness that Bucky needed. 

The next day Bucky wakes, still feeling in between, so you spend another day lazing around their apartment and enjoying each other’s company. They find a tear in their favorite camisole and you encourage them to do a little shopping. It’s not fair they have so few nice things to wear on their enby days. Bucky picks out a handful of soft leggings, camisoles, and two lovely fit and flare style dresses. You assure them that they will look beautiful when they fret that they’ll look ridiculous. 

Bucky wears one of those dresses, pale blue with tiny white flowers, when they come out to the team three months later. Their enby days have become a regular occurrence now that they aren’t trying to fight the urge constantly. Once a month quickly becomes two and three times. Bucky is even experimenting with leaving the apartment on those days, though they toned down their look to a little mascara only, clear polish on their nails, and unisex blouses paired with jeans. You are so proud when they finally sit the team down and explain their gender identity. The Avengers react as you had expected them to, acceptance, happiness for them coming out, and a tinge of sadness that Bucky had felt the need to hide this part of themself for so long. After that, Bucky leaves their apartment to join in with activities around the tower regardless of their gender. 

It takes another year before the world finds out. Bucky spends the months up until your wedding stressing themself out but also not willing to back down from their choices. They chose a beautiful royal blue suit with black velvet patterning all over it, figuring it would work regardless of how their brain was feeling on the big day. They wanted to do their hair nicely, half up with glittering clasps, and subtle, natural looking makeup, nails painted to match the gorgeous blue of their suit. The day of the wedding Bucky wakes up, still slightly stressed, and more in between than usual. Not quite fully male, but also not quite enby either. You take the day in stride, using the male pronouns he requested you use, and still helping with the little bits of femme he still wanted for the day. Bucky looks like a vision standing up at the altar when you spot him down the aisle. You can’t believe your luck that this gorgeous person is yours forever. The vows are said, happy tears are sniffed away, and you kiss your husband with every ounce of love you have in your body. 

The media has a field day with the wedding photos. Bucky ends up doing a few interviews, two out of three on days when they’re more _they_ than _he_. The response from the world is resoundingly positive, much to Bucky’s surprise. There are some that are vocal with their animosity but those few are drowned out by the overwhelming support. The fan mail that comes in to the tower begins including letters from other non-binary people who thank them for coming out and sharing their own experiences. A few, from young people, tell Bucky how their coming out helped them come out to their families. Bucky, who wasn’t used to this type of mail, spends their quiet days at home responding to each and every letter themself. 

Bucky still has low days, and struggles to cope with some of the harder missions at times. Life is never going to be easy or simple for them, even though they’re more settled in their skin than they have been in their entire life. But you’re there to love them, to wrap them up safely in your arms at the end of every day, and to make sure they remember the good in life when they struggle to find it on their own. Because in the end, you’ll always have that love, and you wouldn’t want things any other way.


End file.
